I murdered the dance floor call the cops
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Randomize
