I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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