i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
