I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
How does one acquire holy water?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
