Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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