new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
