take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
She's the barista slut.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize