If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
