I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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