Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
