i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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