im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
