do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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