Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
