I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
