brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
There r osticjed everywhere
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Can you bring me the toilet please
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
