Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
