And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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