My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize