Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Found the puke drawer
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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