Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
