Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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