Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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