I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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