I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
