five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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