Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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