If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
