Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
