Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
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