Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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