i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize