That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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