Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
is it fun? or sober?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
