when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
