i don't like sucking hair
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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