she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
