It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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