Cold hands, warm shart.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
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