Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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