I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
