someone owes me an orgasm
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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