Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
