I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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