I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize