i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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