i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
