just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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