Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
