You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
