got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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