And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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