I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
