Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
