before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
