the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
