Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
