i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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