my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
