I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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