i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize