shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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