Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
