In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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