I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
