Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
This can only be settled by a dance off.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
