Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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