No awkward lesbian experiences without me
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
