seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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