definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
