seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
You dont lie about slip and slides
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize