I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
